As I sit down to write this blog I feel a little nervous. I feel vulnerable. I feel a little exposed yet at the same time I feel free.
Disclaimer: This is my experience with fear… I am not claiming that my experience is the general norm for fear and how people encounter or engage with it.
I have struggled with fear and anxiety since I was 5 or 6 years old. I can remember one of the first times I felt fear. A board game box had gotten too close to a lightbulb in our game closet and we could smell smoke. We just moved the box and everything was fine, but from then on I had a fear that our house was going to burn down. I also had a pretty consistent fear that someone was going to break into our house (I have no idea why).
As an adult I carried these fears and more… the fear of rejection, the fear of not meeting someone’s expectations of me, the fear of not being liked, the fear of being alone, the fear of something bad happening to a family member, fear of the dark, and the list goes on.
One month ago before I came onto the field I sat with someone and we prayed against any fear that I was carrying or would carry… I was set free of fear, that I know without a doubt.
So now here I am today, on the World Race again Squad Leading, still dealing with some fear.
About a week ago I was in Budapest, Hungary with one of our teams of 6 women. All weekend I was wrapped up in fear…fear of the unknown, fear of being in a city where we knew no one, fear of missing our trains, fear of drunk men yelling in our hostel early in the morning, fear of not being safe…
As I sat in a coffee shop after a sleepless night, I cried because I felt anxious and fearful and I couldn’t make it stop. I felt alone and I felt trapped. In that moment I asked the Lord to show me someone in the Bible that did something despite their fear. He immediately brought to my mind Peter stepping out of the boat and walking on water. Peter was frightened, yet he stepped out of the boat anyway. Even when he began to sink he was scared, but the Lord caught him.
“He was terrified and began to sink. “Save me Lord!” he shouted.
Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him.” -Matthew 14:30-31
When I read that story I heard the Lord said, “do it afraid. I am with you and I am for you.”
When I feel fear I immediately begin to pray against it and cast it away. I rarely think through why I feel fear, nor do I work through the fear I feel. In the Christian culture fear is bad, it means you have little faith. So fear has been such a shame point for most of my life.
A question I have wrestled with for a long time is… can I deeply trust the Lord and still feel fear sometimes? My answer to that question is yes.
I trust that the Lord will catch me, and I still feel fear.
So I have shifted the question a bit…now I ask what is controlling my life: fear, or my trust in the Lord?
I am trying to shift my response to fear… instead of trying to cast it out I simply pray “Jesus, I trust you.” Then, I begin uncovering the root of my fear.
I identify with a 6 on the Enneagram, and one of the root motivations of a 6 is fear. Some of the fear that I feel is a natural response because of my personality. I naturally scan a place for danger and I am hyper aware of my surroundings. Sometimes I think in worst case scenario and I have a plan for what I would do should a scenario arise.
I used to look at my personality type pretty negatively, but now I know that there are some really beautiful gifts among the fear. For one, I am a problem solver. I think and plan 5 steps ahead always. I create places of safety emotionally and physically wherever I go. I carry peace with me.
I am still trying to figure this whole fear thing out.
There are days like yesterday when I felt so weak and ashamed that I still feel fear. I sat in my hostel room in Brasov, Romania and cried to my co-leader Hope because I was tired of feeling fear and I just wanted to feel a moment of peace.
As I sat with the Lord he said, “Dear Carson, you’re not being condemned. You’re being rescued.”
I have been promised freedom from fear and I am still in the process of uprooting all the fear in my life.
Yet, the Lord is good and he is faithful and I know he is with me.
We’re doing the thing in Romania!
Much love, Carson
